I’m Pam H.
As a visionary performance artist and ultimate spiritual guru, I’m constantly being bombarded with requests for artistic life guidance on a day-to-day basis. Big stars ask for my priceless wisdom constantly and, not surprisingly, I’m almost always being flooded with similar requests from the small people too.
When I got the chance to write this advice column I thought,
and then I said,
I’m thrilled to finally have the forum to dish out my very best words of wisdom to you, the small people. Let’s begin:
Dear Pam H,
My dream is to be a performance artist. I want to find a way to showcase the amazing visions I have within me and break free from my mundane life. I’ve tried to incorporate things like unsolicited poetry readings and interpretive dance into my office job, but it only seems to annoy my co-workers. Nothing seems to work! I can’t quite figure it out, and I’m starting to lose hope.
How does someone like me break into a career as a performance artist? I’m at my wits’ end!
WITS’ END in West Seattle
Dear WITS’ END,
For a beginner performance artist, I recommend starting slow. Try staring at strangers in public for a while each day as a helpful beginning exercise. If they don’t pay attention to you, try making a subtle moaning sound. Make sure you stop the moaning the moment they catch your eye—and deny it was you if they mention it.
Another essential part of performance art is making sure the spirit is flowing through you as you express your precious and vital self. Every morning, I check to see if the spirit is flowing through me. If it isn’t I make sure it is by high pitched screaming, especially if I’m planning on blessing the world with a performance that day. Get yourself a solid spirit guide to work through these issues. Make sure they claim to be at least 2,000 years old and have a different accent than the person they’re speaking through. You don’t want any amateurs in this line of work.
If that doesn’t work, hard drugs can help. Just make sure people don’t see you using them while giving a performance. I’ve been told it can seem unprofessional, especially if there are needles involved.
Good luck, and blessings for you.
Dear Pam H,
I’ve had a lifelong passion for painting, and I want to make it a bigger part of my life. I never pursued painting as a career, but I have maintained it as a hobby for the past three decades. I’m even known amongst my friends as something of a “Lil’ Picasso.”
As a busy mom, however, I’m finding that easier said than done. I’m facing some difficult obstacles – from my own kids!
Almost every time I sit down at my easel, I end up getting guff from Monica, 14, and Braden, 12. They snicker at me as I try to soak in the artistic lifestyle. Last week they stole the beret right off my head while I was painting, and it really threw off the whole process.
Once, while painting a beautiful still-life fruit basket, they replaced a banana with a real-life banana slug! The painting resulted in, as you can imagine, a very strange final product.
When I try to talk to them they just scream “Get out of my room!,” and I’m usually not even in their room. I’ve just about had it, Pam! What can I do?
JUST ABOUT HAD IT in Wallingford
Dear JUST ABOUT HAD IT,
Your teens sound like a real nightmare. I know you’re their mom, but you should tell Monica, 14, to “Get out of your face,” and tell Braden, 12, to “Go to hell.”
If you want to pursue your artistic passions, the first step is to ignore what others say. I always ignore advice from everyone. Even when it’s good advice from experts, I ignore it—because, in my humble opinion, I know better. So, I would ignore the snickers from your snotty teens, and I would also ignore your friends calling you a “Lil’ Picasso,” which is a very bizarre thing to say to a middle-aged woman.
However, be sure to get another beret. I know those seem to work in most artistic pursuits.
If your snickering and sneering kids don’t shut their traps, I would also recommend a holistic balm that you can slather on your kids as they sleep. Here’s an old family recipe:
2 tablespoons Petroleum Jelly, preferably organic
1 teaspoon Dijon Mustard, “Grey Poupon” brand where available
½ teaspoon Green Mongolian Sea Salt
1 Cinnamon stick, make sure to use the whole stick (organic only)
2 fine strands Wool of Bat (if you can’t find it locally, sub with black licorice)
2 drops green food coloring (organic only)
Mix up the balm and let it sit for a couple hours at room temperature. When ready, sneak into your kid’s room and apply liberally to the back of their necks until they stop bothering you.
Good luck with your painting, I can already tell you are going to be a star, with or without children. Blessings for you.
Pam H is a visionary performance artist, life coach, lifestyle advisor, spiritual guru, holistic healer, herbalist, tactician, diplomat, emissary, conciliator, minister, preacher, lover, romantic, new romantic, massage therapist, masseuse, psychic medium, rolfer, negotiator, necromancer, interpretive dancer, deal maker, hard bargain driver, pottery expert, mediator, astrologist, pastor, priestess, poet, unlicensed doctor, shaman, whistler, homeopathic soothsayer, fortune teller, firewalker, and entrepreneur. She can be seen performing around the Seattle area on a semi-regular basis and has been described as a “gift to humanity” by more than one person. In her spare time, she enjoys self-help books on tape and long stares at the beach. If you have a question you’d like to ask, or would like some advice on the artistic lifestyle, please submit your questions on Twitter @DearPamH, or at DearPamH@gmail.com
*Pam H has also been described as a character written and performed by local comedian Aila Slisco, but Lonely Arts Club Seattle takes no position on that rumor.